The Bartlett, Illinois, Branch of The Milton P. Shumway School of Heating and Air Conditioning Graduating Class of 2022 is looking for a commencement speaker. I applied. They turned me down.

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Maybe it’s my big head talking but I consider myself to be perfect for the job. I’ve been known to hold large audiences spellbound in their seats while I regale them with wisdom and pithy sayings. I’ve been to a number of graduations, and almost graduated once myself, so I know all about the process and what’s expected from a commencement speaker. If I do say so, I have mass schmooze appeal — that’s an important trait in a commencement speaker.

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But they told me they don’t care about any of that. They told me that my views on climate change go against the welfare of those engaging in the lucrative field of heating and air conditioning. It seems that wild and extreme temperature swings throughout the year are good for business. And what’s good for the heating and air conditioning business is good for the school, which means more enrollment and increased tuition and fatter bank accounts for the faculty and staff, not to mention for the president, Milton P. Shumway.

 

I explained to them it has always been my lifelong dream to deliver the commencement address to the 2022 graduating class of the Bartlett, Illinois, Branch of the Milton P. Shumway School of Heating and Air Conditioning. I told them I could lower my ethical standards if it would help me get the job. They told me it wouldn’t.

 

So here I am…an out of work commencement speaker. As if things weren’t bad enough before — it being such seasonal employment and all.

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Excerpted from “Leave The Light On For Me” Copyright © 2022 by William H. White, author. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the author.